Worrying Much?

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Belive it or not. But before this new year started, more specific in October. I decided it was about time to get back into being focused. Not just about my business, but also about my life and health. I knew/know what I want. Just not quite how to get there. Isn´t it just how it always is ?

I made a massive decision in November and in my head I was like ” come on now, let´s get this shit sorted!!! ”

Then came the waiting. And the waiting and the waiting. My patience has always been like zero, so not only did my head feel like it was going to explode, but my body started to feel the impact.

Food became just a found memory. Sleep was out of grasp.

And for every day , I just looked more and more like a underweight panda ( big blue circles around the eyes) 😉

I went from feeling strong and determined to lost, worthless and lonely within just a couple of weeks.

I, who once strived for success , gave up and didn´t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The biggest worry came one the health part.

Long story short : In November I went to the doctor due to severe back pain. This is something I have struggled with on and off  for 7 years. Isjias, prolapse and inflammation had become a part of life. It was time to get it all checked out, like for real. Got a scan set for December. Perfect! One step taken in the right direction. Then came December and I went back to the doctor to get the review of the scan. Ahhhh, 2 more prolapse in the back. Ok, fine! Then he said : oh , and they found something else!

Found something else? What else? Looks like a cyst, he said. And scheduled me to take yet another scan.

Then came January. Went to scan, then back to doctor. Yeas, he said : you have a rare cyst, so I am referring you to a specialist. At this point , I´m freaking out. Well, in my head anyways.

Cancer!? Tumour? God? Bad? Operation? 

For 6 weeks I slept 3-4 hours a night. The thoughts were spinning around in my head 24/7.

All negative!

I couldn´t focus. Couldn´t eat!

Then yesterday ….a cystopscopi!

Btw. If you are EVER refered to one of these, STAY AWAY FROM GOOGLE !!!!

No seriously ! Stay away from Google when it comes to ANYTHING healthwize that you still don´t know if you have !!!! Nothing , absolutely NOTHING good comes out of it!!! Instead, call you doctor. I promise you.

End of the story, yeas I had something. Nothing bad. Nothing what I tought. Nothing I can´t live with.

Nearly 3 months waisted! Waisted on worrying! Waisted on negative thoughts!

Even if they had found something bad, I would still have waisted 3 months of my life worrying about the BIG what if.

I think I have learnt now. I think I need to change my way of thinking.

Out you go, all you negative, pessimistic thoughts. I do not have time for your bullshit!

Hello you beautiful POSITIVE outlook on life !!!

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For someone like myself,  struggling with anxiety and depression, I know that it´s definitly going to be an almost impossible task. As worrying is a big part of the condition….

It is going to be hard to stay positive on all aspects of life, when your mind gets sucked into the darkness. But I have to choose what battles to fight.

There´s going to be days were everything feels like shit. But I will try to not worry about certain things. Specific things  that I can not control. Like stupid test results.  I will make it my mission, to at least try not to let the negativity get the best of me, until I know the truth.

In all of this,  at least there is one more worry to cross off the list of all my worries 😉

To not know can bring you down. But one shall at least try to wait untill one has the answer.

……and breath

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